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Sorry if this only really relates to cutters.
I know that people always say it gets better and sometimes that’s not what you want to hear because it seems like it never does and like everyone is just saying that but it really does Get Better.
I wish I could show you what it is like to not feel like ‘nothing’, to not feel so empty and hollow.
I wish I could show you what it feels like to smile because you are happy, truly happy.
I want to show you what it will be like if you just hold on. I know it feels like you have been ‘holding on’ forever; and maybe you have but if you just wait and let everything work itself out things will change and you will get better.
You will be happy.
You will smile.
You will laugh.
You will want to get out of bed.
And if you don’t stop now you will very likely never be comfortable in short sleeves or shorts again.
I know I’m not.
So please, please have faith in yourself and whatever you have to, to get better.
Because it does get better and it’s amazing.
And while you’re getting better and you have those moments where you actually are happy, even if it’s just a little bit. Hold on to those moments.
Because they are worth living for.
The feeling I get from cutting seems impossible to explain.
It’s this mix of pain ad pleasure that I ever thought existed.
I haven’t cut in a while so I can’t really remember exactly what it feels like.
It’s weird you would think that I would remember something like that.
But when I think back (as much as I can without seriously putting a damper on my mood) I can’t remember why it seemed to help. I guess it just temporarily takes your mind off of everything that you’re going through and that’s all you really want, other than everything you’re going through to just disappear. It’s you or your circumstances.
And since you usually can’t change the things that are happening you go for the alternative.
Cutting.
Sometimes I want to tell someone who actually knows me in real life but I’ve done that once and it turned out ‘okay I guess’ but I just wonder. What are the chances of that happening twice in a row?
And I’m pretty sure that if I told someone and it didn’t go over well it would take me so low. I would probably never trust anyone again or at least not for a very very long time.
I know that I am never going to kill myself. I would never have the strength to do that plus I couldn’t do that to the few people around me.
I just want to get close to it.
But if you get too close to the fire you’re going to get burned.
Cliché I know, but still true.
If you cut you will get scars and if you don’t die you’re stuck with them for pretty much all of your life.
Like I don’t know if I will ever wear shorts again (off the soccer field that is)
And it sucks.
I hate what I’ve done to myself and it ironically makes me want to cut. It’s just this vicious circle.
It’s like this:
You feel like shit so you cut and after you cut you feel like shit for cutting so you cut again.
Stupid? Yes.
Easy to overcome? No.
I really miss the old me.
My old life.
My old room.
My old mindset.
My once perfect arms.
But I guess its all how you look at it.
Some people choose to look at their scars as beauty because they show that they got through the hard parts of their life or something.
I don’t really understand that one. So it’s kind of hard for me to explain.
But the way I look at it whenever I really think about is that they are a reminder for all to see that I wasn’t strong enough to make it through everything without Self-Harm, they remind me of everything that I’ve done wrong.
They make me hate myself for being so stupid and weak. They also remind me of cutting.
I wish they would just fade already.
I can’t stand this.
When I’m in a good mood I think ‘yeah I’ll never cut again’.
But then I fall back down and I think ‘if I just had one little cut it would help’.
But then I get ‘happy’ again and I’m glad that I didn’t do that one little cut, but still it’s hard to think about the fact that you will thank yourself later, when all you really want is to inflict pain on yourself. All you want is to see the blood rolling over your skin. All you want is to forget and get away.
To Escape.
I wish I could wear shorts without the constant feeling of people judging me.
And yes I know people are always judging you but it just seems more obvious when my scars are visible.
And yes they could be from something else but I know they’re not it makes me think that everyone knows that they are not from something else. Like some rare accident like I was running thought my house when it was kind of dark and I bashed my shin off of a corner of something relatively sharp.
No, they are from cutting and I hate it.
Sometimes I just want to hide away forever.
I want to just leave and start a new life and I don’t want anyone from my old life coming after me or finding me. I just want to leave and have them all forget about me.
I don’t matter so why would it matter where I went or why I went there?
I miss everything.
It all changed when I was fourteen and it all sucks now. And yes I’ve had some good times since then but I think I would give up those memories for my old self back.
My unscarred self.
I wish I was still eleven.
I feel like I’m just stuck.
I can’t go forward but I can go back. Is there a word for that? Stuck is what I’m going with until I can find one that fits better.
I hate this empty feeling in my stomach (might just be hungry but I’m pretty sure it would still be there even if I ate a huge feast…which actually sounds pretty good right about now)
Is it true that everything that happens helps you become what you are today?
I mean yes that’s true DUH! But how is that encouraging. It makes me want to make sure that I do everything right so that the person I will be later will rock.
I don’t want these scars forever.
I don’t want to be a person with these scars.
I want to be a person with completely reasonable, explainable scars that can be shown for the entire world to see without judgment.
Other than maybe people thinking that I’m stupid or klutzy like when burned my arm at work people probably weren’t thinking ‘Oh you did that on purpose’ people were probably thinking ‘wow you’re an idiot’. Which to me is always way better than people thinking or knowing that you SH or used to SH. Or still struggle with urges to SH.
The best things in life arent things
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